Loss

This blog is all about female reproductive stuff and pregnancy. If you are squimish and grossed out by girly things, you should probably move on to a different post…

 

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Of everything in my life, this is easily the most difficult subject for me to speak about. And there is a lot in my past that I almost never speak about…

There is a running joke in my life, about how much I hate babies. Everyone “knows” it…work, friends, family. I am just not the one to hand a baby to. They smell, they can’t wipe their own butts, they cry, they can’t tell you what is wrong…the list goes on and on and on. It’s the easiest explanation…”Why don’t you have any kids?” Oh, I don’t like kids. “Are you and your husband trying to have a baby?” Nope, don’t like babies, they smell bad. “When are you guys going to have kids?” When they come out of the womb able to wipe their own butts.

People laugh, shake their heads, and say, “You’ll change your mind.” And that’s it…end of conversation. Whereas responding with, “I can’t have kids” always results in, a response of “Oh, why not?!” or “Are you sure?” or “Have you tried/considered IVF?” or “Have you thought about using a surrogate?” and every one of those responses makes me want to smack people in the face.

“Why not?” None of your damn business. But, if you must know, because my uterus would rather eat them and spit them back out then let them grow.
“Are you sure?” Well, being that it is my buddy, my testing, my life, and my history, pretty sure.
“Have you tried/considered IVF?” Won’t help. Conceiving isn’t my problem. But good to know that you support spending thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars on trying to carry yourself instead of adopting one of the many children that needs a good home.
“Surrogate?” Nope…see above answer. I am not paying some lady to carry my baby. No. I am not going to hope she does everything I would do if pregnant. Nope. Nope. Nope.

 

It is way easier to just not like babies. People seem to get that. People don’t get the concept of medical issues, for some reason. And I am easy person to view as hating babies…I am not a very nice person.

 

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I’ve had a multitude of miscarriages, 6 that are actually confirmed by medical professionals, a few more than that suspected due to my previous experience with them. Planned Parenthood was my savior in those early days…inexpensive, no questions asked, no reason to lose my TLD and job over a baby that didn’t make it. However, that also meant no real records, no loss therapy, and no chance to actually mourn. Of the 6, I had one that went through Navy medical (and still amazingly enough didn’t end up in my record other than, “seen for abdominal pain and bleeding”)…I was actually rushed to the Charleston Naval Hospital during my watch…13 weeks…it was probably the hardest one I had to deal with…especially since I hadn’t told anyone I was pregnant, including the father. There was no point…and a huge part of me wonders about it…if I had told everyone…if I had told medical and been taken off the watch rotation…if I had been seeing a doctor…would it have made a difference? It is still the hardest for me to think about…because I feel like that one was my fault. I might have been able to save that one. The only positive to that experience was that it triggered a follow up appointment that ended up finding cervical lesions that eventually turned into rapidly progressing precancerous cells…so at least it provided something that gave me the heads up and let us catch everything before it became the really bad kind of cancer. That one sunk me into a very deep depression…

 

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant, because well, I have wanted to be a mom since I was about 3…well, a mom and a rock star…we had a suspected loss very recently…so, I was sad and miserable for a while…and then we decided that enough was enough…let’s do the tests…let’s see what can be done…and if it is nothing…then we know and we move on from there.

So, here it is…the start of my journey…here’s to hoping it is more than just a few entries.

 

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